He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
