How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
