atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
