i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
