bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
