Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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