Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
