I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
my poor anus
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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