i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
