The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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