You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
porn star boner night. come get it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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