So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
