I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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