What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
