There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He told me they were just razor bumps!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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