it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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