i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
