i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
