I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
