God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
