not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
