Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
