While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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