when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
