Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
These tits shall not be calmed
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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