Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
They should really pass out barf bags in church
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
