I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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