you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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