Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
