last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
