Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
