That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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