if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
People in love make me want to vomit
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booty called her while she was in labor.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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