took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
