The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
