I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Randomize
