I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
