I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I could make wine with my vomit
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
