you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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