I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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