I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
