My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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