The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
