I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
