Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
