It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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