I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
