I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
