He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
