1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
