Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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