anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
