She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
