Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
