I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
