I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
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I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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