sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
