I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
